Taking a moment to reflect on reaching a goal.

How did I get here? How and why did I set this goal? What have I learned?

I started focusing on strength training just over three years ago.  I had been doing CrossFit for two years, our gym had just dropped the CrossFit connection and was now focused on strength training.  I randomly took a class that was focused on lifting and I was hooked.  So, June of 2016, I started to get customized programming from the trainer, future gym owner, and I’ll refer to him as my coach. 

I had two goals; lose weight, gain strength.  Often these goals don’t work together, it’s one or the other, but that’s what I wanted.  Coach – ok!

I had spent the previous two years taking CrossFit classes, getting stronger and more fit, and working with a dietician to learn how to eat healthy.  In the two years I had lost around 25 pounds and gained strength and confidence.

I was ready for more. When I started working with my coach, he was very clear, he was going to program workouts for three days a week, and I was to REST and RECOVER on the other days.  What?!?!  More is not better?  I learned that the gains are made in recovery.  Not in breaking yourself down with endless workouts.  And, he offered to start coaching me in nutrition with a YEAR long program.  What?!?! A year?!?!  Ok……. Let’s go!

Oh, and I said, I’d like to deadlift 300 pounds one day.  He kept that comment in mind.  I kept reminding him. 

I don’t know why I picked 300lbs.  It seemed so far away, and yet somehow achievable.

I was deadlifting around 225lbs at the time, but the big gains had slowed down. 

My workouts chewed me up and spit me out.  My metabolism was jacked up!  I was HAPPY to rest on my off days.  Often just a walk around the neighborhood to loosen up my muscles.  

The nutrition coaching was mind blowing.  And literally life altering.  I learned how to CHANGE my thinking.  Appreciate all that my body had done for me. How strong and healthy I was. I learned how to get on my own team, believe in myself, and eat and nourish my body.  

Over the course of a year, I increased my deadlift to 255lbs, and I lost around 12 lbs.  Losing weight, increasing strength.  Just what I wanted.  

A few months later, I was able to deadlift 260lbs.  It was sooooo hard.  The gains were slowing.  

I started a new nutrition plan that timed my meals for my workouts.  I loved it and lost some serious body fat!  Also, my strength gains were slow.  I went from 260 to 265lbs over the course of a year.  I wasn’t losing strength, but I wasn’t gaining a lot of big strength.  I was gaining much needed accessory muscles, gaining stamina, learning how to eat even better, and working towards my goals.  Gains were slow and I was wondering if maybe I had peaked.  Was this it?  Maybe 265 is as good as it gets for me.  300 is a looooong way off! Only increasing 5 lbs over the course of a year, I thought – this will take me five more years at least to reach my goal, if at all! 

I was still very focused on losing body fat.  I wanted to reach a 50lb weight loss.  I dialed in my eating even more, reducing my calories, and fat and carbs.  I was hyper focused.  It was HARD!!! I reached my goal, I lost 50lbs!  But I was not ok.  Over the last three years, my body has also been going through the process of menopause, hormones shifting, altering, trying to find new balance.  I had been having hot flashes, but during this particular cut, my hot flashes increased.  And, I had other unpleasant menopause symptoms.  Everything was hard.  It was hard to maintain this weight loss, it was hard to gain strength, it was hard to have these intense menopause symptoms.  Hard.  

I have been approaching my menopause as a natural part of life.  I have jumped in to learn all that I can.  I took a class, I read – so much – about menopause.  I meditate, am careful about the food that I eat to help support my body, I get regular acupuncture, rest, recover, hydrate, exercise.  All the things. 

What am I doing?  I am proud that I lost 50lbs.  But my menopausal body is so incredibly unhappy with me.  In terms of fitness, I’m solid.  In terms of hormones, I’m kind of a mess. 

So, here’s the thing, I have been struggling with my body image, my self esteem around my body, fitness, nutrition and weight loss for DECADES.  My body image world has been a constant conversation in my head – mostly not nice – about how my body has let me down, how I am not the person that I know I can be.  Which is so sad…..this is the body that brought two amazing human beings into the world!  How incredible is that?!  And this is the body that has been healthy and strong.  And now, I have lost 50 lbs!  And truthfully, I could lose about another 20 lbs to be at a great weight for my age and height.  But, 50lbs!! Damn!  I’m happy about that!  And proud of that!   But, I’m not really happy because I want to lift more.  I want to help my hormones settle down again.  I want to feel better.  I want to help my body, love my body, treat my body better.  So, I have to eat.  I want to eat.  But, can I do this and not totally revert to my old habits of 5 years ago?  I have to find out.  I need to fuel this body.  

I eat, I feel better, I gain weight. I don’t care. I gain strength!  I care!!! I love it!! It takes about 6 – 8 months to regulate my hormones again.  Everything finally settles down.  I gained back the last five pounds I had lost right away.  Then a few more.  And not all muscle!! Lol!!! Belly fat is a THING in mid life!! But, I don’t care. (Well, I kind of care). 

And, the gains come. 275lb Deadlift! Boom! Done!  

Then, my coach gives me THE hardest workout I have ever done.  Deadlift a million times, as heavy as possible.  That’s what it felt like.   The actual workout – deadlift 6x, as heavy as possible, rest 45 seconds, do it again, for a total of ten sets!  60 deadlifts, as heavy as possible.  My total lifting was over 13,000lbs in deadlifts in one session!!  This workout was a turning point.  I worked so hard.  I wanted it!  I knew each lift was getting me closer to my goal.  It moved the needle.  I had this workout once a week for 4 weeks.  It was something!  And, I felt the support of my coach.  Without saying it, it felt like – do this Jess, and you will get there.  And, you CAN do this. 

After the million deadlift workouts were in the books, it was time to test my 3 rep max.  275 x3!  285 x3!  The gains are coming fast!  My body is happy.  I feel soooooo good!! Strong!! Settled! Healthy! 

The moment has come. It’s time to try for that 300lb DL. I am nervous.  This is THE MOMENT that I have been working towards.  For 3 YEARS!!!! Now, it’s a mind game.  What if I can’t lift this weight?  What if I can never get to 300?  What have I been doing with my time if I can’t reach this goal? Who do I think I am? Sure, maybe you can lift this weight, but now you have belly fat, worth it? (um….YESSS!!!).  Doubt, negative self talk, it was a constant battle in my brain for an entire week leading up to this lift.

When it came time to do it, my mental script was – you step up to that fucking bar and you lift that fucking weight!  You CAN do this! You have worked for this!! Yes! Yes! Yes! Do it!  

I did it!!  And, I kept myself together, to try and lift it again. I did not celebrate right away.  I wanted one more.  But, I was spent!  My mental energy was used up!  Time to celebrate!!! I DID it!!!!! I set a goal, and I achieved it.   

Here’s the thing…..in the end, it’s not even about the 300lb deadlift!  It’s about the journey!  What did I learn about myself?  What do I know about myself now that I did not know before?  So much.

I learned to trust myself. To believe in myself.  To trust MY BODY!  Give it what it needs.  I am so much more than my body and my weight.  Taking really good care of myself is the most important thing.   It helps me to be my best self.  I am happier and can give my best to others.  I FEEL so good when I eat really healthy, balanced, nourishing meals.  Being strong feels so awesome!!! 

I will continue to lose some body fat and gain muscle.  I want to lift even more, and I believe that I can. I have so much more to learn!  And I am so excited to dig in and learn more. 

Setting the 300 goal was saying to myself, I believe in you.  It was my mountain to climb.  What do you want to do? Do it! 

So, how did I get here? Work, focus, belief.  I set the goal and kept it the focus.  My coach kept it in focus.  And, my coach programmed workouts for me that helped me to improve in my strength and my lifting abilities, while keeping me safe and free of injuries.  I don’t even like to write that, because I don’t want to jinx it, but honestly – my workouts are so fucking amazing, so good, keep me constantly improving, and healthy.  I’m incredibly fortunate!  

And, when it felt like I wasn’t making progress towards my goal, I paused, reassessed.  That was usually due to nutrition.  That’s what I played with.  More protein? More fat? It’s ok to change course, to try new things on your way to your goal. 

How did I decide to set this goal and why did I set this goal?  It felt like a hard goal, a distant goal, but an achievable goal.  I wanted to push myself and see what I could do, in fitness, in strength, in my health.  And, I love deadlifting, so working towards the goal was always fun. Doing something that brings me joy and feels good makes it so much easier to work on every day. 

And, what have I learned? I think I answered that in everything I said above.  Ultimately, it was not about the 300 pounds, it was about believing in myself, making a commitment to myself, knowing that if I could achieve this goal, then – what else can I do?   

Lifting 300 pounds is a physical reminder that you can do whatever you put your mind to. 

And now…..more!  I want to lift more!  I want to deadlift more, learn how to bench more, back squat more, do a power lifting meet.  I think setting the concrete goal of 300lbs for the deadlift was perfect.  I’ll enjoy that win for a bit.  Then I’ll need to set the next goal.  A real, concrete goal to work towards that reminds me that I can do whatever I put my mind to!  And, that is living!  Fully present, engaged in your body, breathing, eating, healthy, living.